Lub de Dub

"Listen to the heart, you will hear it. Lub de dub. Lub de dub."

As a particularly talkative, understanding and articulate patient I was often guilted into agreeing to do medical student teachings as an inpatient at my children's hospital. It was a teaching student and I was a good teacher, so I always felt obligated even though I felt awful. 

This one time, I got roped into doing a two hour long basic physical teaching session to a bunch of new med students. It was awful. I was really sick and I didn't know it was going to be two hours long when I agreed to it. 

When they walked in, they were four, young, male, extremely attractive med students. McDreamy McSteamy McHottie and McSexdream. All of a sudden it wasn't SOOOO bad. I was 13, I wasn't going to pass up two hours staring at some hotties instead of my deadpan, way outdated hospital wallpaper. 

Even with their hotness, after about an hour and a half of listening to one of my gastroenterologists (Crohn's doctors) talk to the students and have them poke and prod at me I was almost at my wits end. 

There is something you have to remember about doing med school teachings. They don't have experience. They have to really dig to feel anything because they don't know what anything feels like. They were supposed to be feeling my poor, inflamed, sore colon, it felt more like they were digging for my kidneys which reside almost in your back.... OUCH.

My GI started explaining to the four, McMedStudents about how the heart sounds. My GI was from central asia. I'm not sure if it was India or Pakistan or somewhere around there, I couldn't tell (forgive me), but in order to explain the sound of the heart beat he began saying "Lub de dub, lub de dub. you will hear the lub de dub, lub de dub". 

I was sick and tired so restraining my giggles wasn't tooo difficult, but the med students didn't fair as well. I saw the corners of their mouth being tugged towards their ears as their will power was tested. 

 Then, IT happened.

Something happened I never thought I would ever witness in my life. Something I have never witnessed since.

Mid sentence, my GI reached behind himself, and ungracefully picked a wedgie through his white lab coat!!! He never even stopped talking!!!

My mouth dropped. 

I looked around to see if anyone else had just experienced what I had. 

They had. Only two. My mother. And one poor, med student. Lets call him McScarred-for-Life now.

I couldn't handle it. I broke. I couldn't stifle my laughter. Neither could my mom. Neither could McScarred-for-Life. 

I crammed my blanket into my mouth, turned my head in laughing shame. I'm going to hell for sure. 

It was one of the most hilarious moments I have ever experienced in my life as a Professional Sick Person.

Tell me yours!

I'm a Terrible Person

"I'm sorry, but I just can't listen to him complain about having a cold while I have a tube up my nose"

I've been called a terrible person a few times. I understand why. It's probably my lack of affection for infants and children, my ability to see humour in the darkest of situations and my dirty mind. I swear these are just some of my personality quirks, I'm not actually a terrible person, people just jump to conclusions when they hear you don't like babies. 

However, there is something about having a chronic illness that makes me question my ability for sympathy for when healthy people get sick. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but I find it so hard to feel bad for someone who complains endlessly about a light cough or sore throat. I find it borderline enraging when someone proclaims they can't get out of bed when they have a headache. 

Sorry about the rough language.

I don't understand why they can't push through it. Or why they choose to complain to me about it. I take more medication in a day than they will take the entire course of their cold. I have higher levels of fatigue on a daily basis than they do when they've pulled an all-nighter writing a paper and have a headache. I have more pain than them from bowel movements I have 9 times a day than what they feel when they finish a workout. 

The thing is, I want to be sympathetic. I really do. I just have a really hard time with it. When you have a chronic illness, you learn how to be sick. You learn how to do every day things despite your pain, your fatigue, and the limitations of your illness. You can't take days off because you feel sick. If you did, you'd never work or go to school or have meaningful relationships or hobbies. It kind of sucks that we have to do this, but honestly, it's better than being completely incapacitated and unable to participate in life. 

I know viruses suck. I do. I know workouts hurt. I know you can injure yourself lifting things. I know laryngitis is horribly inconvenient. But I actively have to restrain myself from saying "Suck it up, I go through worse than you", good thing I have at least that much self control. 

I'm sorry to all the people I haven't been sympathetic to. It's not you, it's me. 

A Pain in the Butt

"I'm not feeling well today". "Oh" Backs up a step. "No, don't worry, it's just my Crohn's. Not contagious" "Oh, what's Crohn's?" Sigh. 

Crohn's disease is an autoimmune disease that affects the digestive system causing inflammation occurring at any location of the digestive system. Symptoms include but are not inclusive nor limited to:  increased inflammatory markers in blood work, decreased appetite, malnutrition, weight loss, blood loss, fatigue, joint pain, red eyes, sore eyes, head aches, increased frequency in bowel movements, increased urgency in bowel movements, pain, lots of pain, more pain, and diarrhea.

Sexy.

Somewhere between me finishing elementary school and starting junior high (awkward stage for any adolescent at BEST) my immune system got confused. The poor thing was probably trying to figure out what fashion was, how to get boys to notice me or not notice me, panicking at the impending thought of being a teenager and totally thought that my digestive system was a threat to my survival. It launched a full blown attack, like that scene in Braveheart right after all the scots show their butts. It was brutal, but that will be another post in and of itself. 

Regardless, the primary symptoms I exhibit of my Crohn's is pain in my left lower quadrant (that lower quarter of my stomach on the left), increased frequency in bowel movements, increased urgency in bowel movements, fatigue, and diarrhea. My disease is primarily located in my stomach, ileum, and pretty much my whole colon. I've also had episceritis which is an inflammation of the white part of my eyes. 

This is what Crohn's disease is to me. Literally a shitty disease. A pain in the butt. 

Jack Mercury

"Some people are born sick, some people achieve sickness, and some people have sickness thrust upon them." - Not Shakespeare. 

I'm Jack Mercury, and I had sickness thrust upon me. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease two weeks after I turned 12. That was almost 8 years ago. This unpredictable, chronic, and morbid condition has impacted me in ways that I never imagined possible and it's time to share it.

This blog will entail chronicles of my life, as someone who continues to pursue life, despite all of my challenges.

When you're sick, your perspective changes. So here is mine.

Thank you for stopping by. Be sure to check out my youtube channel: chronicallybeautiful12