"Are you hungry?" "No"

In December I had an encounter with the rarely found, but very effective zinc deficiency. This caused me to have a raccoon like rash around my eyes, nausea, altered taste perception, and above all else, reduced appetite. Because of this I was brought in and hospitalized, due to my nutrition markers being so low. In the hospital, alongside nocturnal tube feeding, I was encouraged to eat, well, as much as I could. Awesome right? Nah. I was disgusted by food. I’m not saying I wasn’t hungry, I’m saying I was REPULSED by food. The thought of it made me queasy, the sight made me gag and I just couldn’t eat. The hospital food, did NOT make it any easier. Here is the menu that I would typically follow in the hospital, and let me make it clear, that in terms of choice and selection, I had one of the best available.

Breakfast: Breakfast would consist of a mini container of cheerios (exactly 80 calories worth) a half a cup of soymilk, half a cup of diced, canned peaches in water (not syrup) and one sugar packet on my cereal.

Lunch: I somehow managed to get myself assigned the same diet as the patients that were in the rehab hospital, so my lunch options were usually pretty good. I guess if you’re in rehab, you’re in for a while, so you get better lunches. Go figure. My lunch usually consisted of a fruit plate, which I got solely for the grapes, French fries (Mmm! They were a lot like the fries from KFC), a cup of soup that was usually vegetable or chicken noodle and a sort of vegetable that varied from carrot sticks to coleslaw. Lunch overall was pretty decent and I can’t complain about it.

Dinner: Dinner. Oh dinner, how is possible for a meal to go so wrong? The meat options were always terrible, beyond terrible, so I usually opted for the sandwich provided it wasn’t a salmon sandwich. I made that mistake once, it was nasty. Alongside my sandwich I would get about a half a cup of plain, white rice. It was the cheap stuff with no flavor. I would also get about a half a cup of boiled to death wax beans….tasty. I’d also get some sort of dessert, either jello, banana

Other: I’m sure this category is the main reason I didn’t starve in the hospital. I would eat soda crackers and Cracker barrel individual cheese. I would eat small individual ice creams at really weird times, like before breakfast or right before I went to sleep. I ate a LOT of baked chips. Nurses would share food with me at night so I ate a lot of fruit from fruit trays (melon <3), I also drank a lot of hot chocolate. I loved hot chocolate in there.

Thank you all for returning to my blog despite my disgustingly long hiatus. I promise there will be more posts very soon! Muah!

Itsy Bitsy Quitsy

Itsy Bitsy Quitsy

Itsy Bitsy had a hard life, it started out though much more light.

From 1-11 Itsy was Bitsy and she stayed so from morning til night.

But Itsy Bitsy turned Gutsy Wutsy on the eve of number 12

And suddenly Itsy wasn’t just Bitsy she was Quitsy as well.

Itsy liked to munch and crunch but then that started to hurt

Because the Quitsy was so strong it got the heart the worst.

No more munch and no more crunch, just swallows and slurps and beads.

Sometimes even slurps did hurt, and Itsy was put on feeds.

Although the beads looked like little pearls, it was hard to hide, that

Itsy’s pearls whirled her world into a bigger size. 

At numbers 12-13 she sat on a weighty throne

Of 15 higher than her friends and 20 of her foes.

At 14 Itsy wasn’t as bitsy as she used to be,

She took matters into her own hands to be a teeny weeny.

The problem is, the heart goes quitsy when you’re too teeny weeny

And Itsy Bitsy didn’t let it happen, even to be leany.

So Itsy had to stop her head heart from going quitsy.

So she swallowed and slurped and beaded and pearled her way back up to bitsy.

Number 16-19 were the time when Biggie went and quitsied,

Slowly, slowly like a slug so lowly, Biggie had turned to shitsy.

But Itsy Bitsy was a fighter now, so she took the leap

She let go of biggie, and did the baggie boogie beep.

The problem was with Biggie gone, Glurpie reared its’ head.

Glurpie like to be the boss, but “No!” Itsy said!

With Glurpie around, Itsy’s breathers and weavers and filters alike,

Started to go Quitsy a little more each night.

But Itsy knew just to hold on a few more days or so,

And then she’d go to the chamber where they cut and sew.

The took her out and put her in and turned her inside up,

They tweaked the bleak and thankfully, Itsy had some luck.

A few more minutes went and passed and Bitsy thought she was fine

She walked and talked and smiled, but couldn’t wine or dine.

In she went to get fixed “once more” she said.

Because Itsy was Bitsy and still she wasn’t dead.

But, this time she fell, the lowest fall to date

This was a new one, a scary new one, a new Quitsy fate.

The little beans on top of Biggers had decided to go Quitsy,

As sad as Itsy was, she had faith in that she was bitsy.

The little broken beans inside her, on her face put a grin.

Because despite the Quitsy Biggie and Beans,

She would climb a mountain.

To be continued…

How To Convince People You Aren't Disgusting

"It's been a week since I showered" "Really!?! I can't even tell"

When I was in the hospital I had a number of things attached to me post surgery. I had a catheter, a rectal drain, two IVs, oxygen, and a drain. I basically was an octopus, so there was no showering for a while.

What did I do to make myself seem less of a disgusting mess while not showering for a while? I'll tell you.

1. The Miracle of the Bird Bath

Well, this is pretty self explanatory, but you get a face cloth (or several) dip it in hot water, and scrub      your smelly bits. I'm talking armpits, under the boobs, groinal...

My personal favourite!

2. Antiperspirant

I'm sorry, but I don't care if you're all natural, and don't like the idea of shutting off your sweats, but if you're going more than 3 days without a shower, you need some 24/7 protection. 

She's got the right idea!

3. The Bun and the Band

Once your hair gets greasy, there isn't any saving it. You can use dry shampoo for a day or so, but honestly the product builds up and works against you. My go-to greasy hair cover up is a top knot and a stretchy headband. It works wonders and keeps your guests from thinking you're completely gone. 

First World Problems in the Hospital

"This place is insane"

I've spent 21 out of the past 30 days in hospital. No joke. It hasn't been a fun time. There has been a lot of pain, a few scary moments, a lot of visits from family, a few laughs, and a lot of healing. But today I bring a rant. 

I'm proud to be Canadian, one of my favourite things being a spoonie and Canadian is our health care system. It's free. Wonderfully free. Of those 21 days I spent in hospital, I had a major surgery, multiple scans, CTs, procedures etc and it didn't cost me a dime. But it's not without flaw.

The hospital I stayed in is disgusting. To the point where I questioned it thinking "Is this really Canada? Really?" The hospital I stayed in was built right after the Second World War, dating it enormously. The building is so old you can't even drink the water from the taps because the pipes contaminate the water. Ew. The bathrooms are so small there is hardly enough space for a person of my stature (5'2 and barely 120 pounds) and an IV pole, let alone a bigger person, and IV and a crisis! There was no air conditioning either, and in August, holy crap that was awful. 

I stayed in a ward, which means a room that has 4 beds in it. My roommates were seldom less than 45 years older than me. That sucked. Having roommates at all was awful. The room was cramped and crowded, there was absolutely no privacy, as only thin curtains divided the space. If I was in pain, my roommates heard it. If they were in pain, I heard it. Night time was a nightmare because not only my IV pump would wake me up, but so would the other three womens'. 

The other thing that really got me was how sick the other patients were and how little was being done to protect us from each other. The other patient, I don't know if it was the stubbornness that came with old age, depression due to illness, or what, but they were SO SICK. Like, couldn't get up to use the bathroom sick. I was introduced to the concept of bedpans and commodes over this hospitalization. EW. When you hear someone literally beside you pooping and peeing you get freaked out. That's disgusting, and dirty. And sometimes they wouldn't ask the nurse to clean it for hours and it would reek.

A lot of the patients were very uncompliant as well. They would refuse to try and get up and walk to aid their recovery, or use their incentive spirometers to regain full use of their lungs after surgery. They would complain about catheters, IVs, food, lack of food, nurse's attitudes, nurse's organization and methods, doctor's schedules, and just about anything else they could think of. 

I can't believe this is acceptable hospital procedure in a country as nice as Canada. I know it seems selfish and naive, but good lord no hospital should be built ever again that without only private rooms. Honestly. it is near impossible to get a private or a semi private room in that hospital because there are only 1 or 2, per unit even though they don't really take up that much more space. 

The part that enrages me the most was that a private room was given to a particularly horrible roommate of mine because she was so awful. I tell no lies. She was just so awful to the nurses and the other patients, so disruptive to our sleep and recovery that she was moved into a private room, despite the fact that she was probably the most uncompliant patient ever. Lucky bitch. 

The truth is, I shouldn't complain, I was treated very well, the nurses were amazing and totally run off their feet. I'm getting better. But let me add one FINAL insult to injury: there was no wifi. 

I'm a Liar Obviously

"I am here to stay" "Good job"

So, in my last post I said I would be back more regularly. Obviously I lied. Forgive me, I ended up in the hospital with an abscess and needed antibiotics, a drain and fluids.

Now I'm home again (with wifi finally yay!) and am in a "home hospital". Luckily, I was able to get a portable IV pump called a CADD (I don't know what that stands for) so I can do the IV antibiotic, one called ampicillin from home. It's awesome. I still have a perk drain in my side and the antibiotics/pump are heavy, but it is MILES better than being in the hospital. That place, is a nightmare. I'm going to have so many posts just to talk about all of my "experiences" in the hospital. From roommates to recovery, I've got a LOT of material to cover. 

Lub de Dub

"Listen to the heart, you will hear it. Lub de dub. Lub de dub."

As a particularly talkative, understanding and articulate patient I was often guilted into agreeing to do medical student teachings as an inpatient at my children's hospital. It was a teaching student and I was a good teacher, so I always felt obligated even though I felt awful. 

This one time, I got roped into doing a two hour long basic physical teaching session to a bunch of new med students. It was awful. I was really sick and I didn't know it was going to be two hours long when I agreed to it. 

When they walked in, they were four, young, male, extremely attractive med students. McDreamy McSteamy McHottie and McSexdream. All of a sudden it wasn't SOOOO bad. I was 13, I wasn't going to pass up two hours staring at some hotties instead of my deadpan, way outdated hospital wallpaper. 

Even with their hotness, after about an hour and a half of listening to one of my gastroenterologists (Crohn's doctors) talk to the students and have them poke and prod at me I was almost at my wits end. 

There is something you have to remember about doing med school teachings. They don't have experience. They have to really dig to feel anything because they don't know what anything feels like. They were supposed to be feeling my poor, inflamed, sore colon, it felt more like they were digging for my kidneys which reside almost in your back.... OUCH.

My GI started explaining to the four, McMedStudents about how the heart sounds. My GI was from central asia. I'm not sure if it was India or Pakistan or somewhere around there, I couldn't tell (forgive me), but in order to explain the sound of the heart beat he began saying "Lub de dub, lub de dub. you will hear the lub de dub, lub de dub". 

I was sick and tired so restraining my giggles wasn't tooo difficult, but the med students didn't fair as well. I saw the corners of their mouth being tugged towards their ears as their will power was tested. 

 Then, IT happened.

Something happened I never thought I would ever witness in my life. Something I have never witnessed since.

Mid sentence, my GI reached behind himself, and ungracefully picked a wedgie through his white lab coat!!! He never even stopped talking!!!

My mouth dropped. 

I looked around to see if anyone else had just experienced what I had. 

They had. Only two. My mother. And one poor, med student. Lets call him McScarred-for-Life now.

I couldn't handle it. I broke. I couldn't stifle my laughter. Neither could my mom. Neither could McScarred-for-Life. 

I crammed my blanket into my mouth, turned my head in laughing shame. I'm going to hell for sure. 

It was one of the most hilarious moments I have ever experienced in my life as a Professional Sick Person.

Tell me yours!

Top 10 Things to Bring to the Emergency Room

"Honey, I think I need to take you to the ER." "No, please, can we wait just a little bit longer?"

I've had my fair share of trips to the ER. Never for the normal reasons that someone ends up in a paediatric emergency room like a fall off a bike, reckless play fighting, or a scary cough. No, I came in with fevers, abdominal pain, and fainting. I resist going to the ER with every fibre of my being. I put off walking through those doors as long as I can for several reasons: the long wait, the uncomfortable beds, the procedures, but mostly I detest having to work with a new health care professional on account of my medical history being so complicated and specific. The poor ER doctors have to learn a LOT about in a very short period of time, and sometimes when I'm too sick, that can prove to be difficult.

Regardless, after all my trips I've learned to pack like an expert, to make the experience a little more bearable.

These are my top 10 items to bring to a visit to the emergency room, in no particular order:

1.  Comfortable Clothing
• Once, I fainted white volunteering as a research assistant and got taken to the ER via ambulance. I was wearing a dress and heels. WORST ER TRIP EVER. Your best bet is to wear comfy clothes like sweat pants, yoga pants, tank tops and bring a sweater that zips up (easy IV access). This will keep you from getting uncomfortable during your visit.
2. Cell Phone Charger
• Lots of hospital rooms have extra outlets designed for medical machines, but if they're not in use, save your battery and plug it in. You want to be able to text or call people when you find things out. 
3. List of Medications/Therapies
• This should be saved in your wallet, or even better as a list on your phone. It should include medication names, dosages, and how long you have been taking it. That way when the fourth person asks for your medications, you can just rattle them off like a skilled auctioneer. 
4. Lip balm/Lotion
• Hospital air is super dry from air conditioning, heat, and purification. You may not be allowed to drink water, so lotion and lip balm are often a saviour in those parched conditions.
5. Clean Underwear
• Sometimes, you just need to feel fresh after hours of sitting or lying in one spot. Not to mention I'd be lying if I said I'd never lost a pair of panties in the hustle and bustle of a health care centre. 
6. Slip On Shoes
• If you need tests done, sometimes you're asked to go to them. Quickly. Slip on shoes like clogs, sandals, or moccasins make it easy for you to get up and go, so you can get well and get out. 
7. Book
• You can only play so many levels of Angry Birds before you go a little crazy. A book provides non-repetitive entertainment. Chances are if you're a student, you will have readings for class to do, if not, just read for please. It's fun. 
8. Headphones
• Whether it's to tune out your room mate's incessant cough or to put on a relaxation app, headphones provide a tiny little world for your mind to go into when the ER becomes too much to handle. Just make sure its not so loud that when a nurse or doctor comes in to talk to you, you can still hear them. 
9. Hair Elastics
• A number of medical procedures and tests will have you in the most odd positions. "Lie this way, now flip over, move your leg here, we're going to put you upside down". If you're a lady with long locks (like myself) go for a topknot on your head. It keeps your hair out of your way and if you're on your back won't painfully dig into your head.
10. Patience
• Try to be patient. ER trips can be really long (I've waited for 8 hours before). Just remember that you're there for a reason, and the more helpful you are to the medical staff, the more helpful they will be to you. It's very difficult, but in the long run it will be the best option.