My War With The Mirror

"I feel fat." "Fat is not a feeling, what do you really feel?"

Jr high, middle school, that little waste land between elementary school and high school, what ever you want to call it, is a rough time for just about everyone. Especially physically. It's the years of bad acne, braces, growth spurts, puberty, and really bad smells. Eugh. I never want to go back there. Thank god it's over.

                        Jr. High......

Those years feel like your body is totally out of control even for someone without a chronic illness. But for me, they were horrendous. Not only was I going through all of the normal changes that young teens do, my body was also being morphed by both my disease and my medications. 

When I started Jr. high at age 12, I had been really sick, so I came in weighing a paltry 90lbs. I was put on prednisone, and before Christmas I was up to (a much healthier) 115lbs. Still extremely small, butting was such a drastic change, I was devastated. This was the first of many rapid weight fluxuations I would fa over the next 8 years. 

I had no way to cope, no strategies to deal with my anguish, and I began to develop a very poor body image. 

My self-esteem was ok. I was able to recognize qualities in myself, like my ability to make people laugh, my intelligence, my communication skills, that made me realize I was a worth while person, I just hated the shell I was living in. 

At 12 years old I had stretch marks, love handles, acne, braces, thin hair, puffy cheeks, and I hated it all. I don't know if I've ever fully recovered from that initial blow to my relationship with my body. On top of it all, my body was weak from illness and wasn't recovering. I felt so betrayed. My body wasn't beautiful, (At least I didn't believe it was), it couldn't do anything wonderful, like push-ups. Or the splits, or run, or jump, or anything like that, it didn't even work well as a body as basic function. 

No wonder I had issues.

It's taken a lot of time to build up the love for my body. I really have to credit dance (as seen in this post) for renewing my faith in my body's ability to do something admirable, makeup, clothing, and my boyfriend for helping me believe that I am beautiful and desirable, and my unwavering hope for remission, that someday, my body will be normal. 

Ignore this mess below. My iPad wouldn't let me delete it. It was a failed link attempt. 

► 1:01► 1:01 www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFbvq8BYEnI

► 1:01► 1:01

Dance Yourself Clean

"How can you get through a dance class when you're this sick?" "It's exhausting and painful, but it makes me so happy that I don't care"

Ok, I'm not this good, but you get my point.

I've danced on and off my whole life. I've done ballet, hip hop, jazz, belly dancing, folk, tap, musical theatre and burlesque. 

Dancing has been a saviour for me. Not only has it kept me in shape (sort of) it has been like therapy. 

Nothing can cheer me up like a ballet class. It's impossible for me to feel sorry for myself or frustrated with my body and disease, when I'm dancing. Even when I'm trying to nail that double pirouette or hold an arabesque for just a few more seconds, it consumes me in a way that doesn't leave room for me to be thinking about my disease. 

Trying to hold a balancing pose is like meditation. I've can't say how many times people have recommended I try meditation to help my Crohn's. Dance is better meditation than me trying to sit on a cushion and say Om. But when I try to balance in fifth position, or in an arabesque, my mind is blanker than a fresh chalkboard.

 Despite being quite ill, I'll drag my sorry butt into the studio or rehearsal space and forget my woes for a while. 

I have done this consistently for the past 8 years and it's benefitted me more than any other form of exercise or stress relief. 

When I dance I hardly feel pain, I don't feel sad. It's a euphoria that dancers understand. It's my favourite thing to do. And it helps me cope with my illness in a way that is unexplainable. 

I wish that everyone could experience dance the same way I do, it would probably help a lot.