That Mind Body Connection

"I just loose so much muscle mass when I get sick, and my cardio disintegrates. You spend a month or two in bed and you have to start your fitness from scratch."

I can't tell you how many times I've set a fitness goal and failed to achieve it. I've tried to train to run a 10k more times than I can count. It's ridiculous, and a real hit to my ego. The only thing that I have managed to keep up is dancing, ballet, being my favourite, and even that I've had to take long hiatuses from. 

I try. I really do. 

The truth is that I have moments, like this morning, when I was doing my dishes from last night at 10am this morning, where I think like a healthy person: man, I should really be out for a run. There is nothing I would like more than to be able to run a 10k race with my dad (he's been a runner for years), or go rock climbing with ease, or do the splits. I have so many fitness dreams it's unreal. 

But then I remember, I just got my chest IV out yesterday and finished a 5 day stint of solumedrol (IV steroids). I was too tired yesterday to walk home from work. I had crippling pain two days ago that left me incapacitated for about 6 hours. I don't think a run is completely realistic at this point, it will be, but I have to wait for my body to catch up to my mind.

It's frustrating. I'm a bit of an overachiever. Last year I started a running club in my university residence and I participated well into a a bout of pneumonia. That's not exactly good. 


As soon as I become a little bit more healthy, I start trying to get fit again. I'll start small. Just walking. Then I'll add in some strength training. Go back to dance classes. Try running. Stay at the gym longer. When I feel 100% I'm very active. I love it, it makes me feel good. But I've only had about 9 or so months of true remission since I was diagnosed with Crohn's...8 years ago. 

I hate feeling like I'm starting over. I hate feeling like I'm lazy because I don't exercise regularly. I hate feeling weak. I hate getting winded by simple things like walking up a flight of stairs. I'm not overweight. I just loose my cardio so quickly. It's not my fault. People look at me like I don't care about my body, that I don't put effort in. It sucks. 

I would if I could, bro.