Decisions...Decisions...

"I thought maybe you'd had your fill" "I just can't give it up. I've tried"

Hey everyone. Long time no post. I've had less than motivation to share witty understandings of my illness and life on the internet up until now.

I've had a lot of time to think. Ever since I could remember I wanted to be a doctor. As a young child (maybe between 4 and 6) I would deny it. Saying "Ewww sick people" but it couldn't stop me from spending hours examining my mother's Emergency New Mom's medical handbook (complete with pictures of course). I had memorized childhood rashes, fever symptoms and even birthing positions before I even knew how conception was possible. I did think it was gross. And, I was scared. But I couldn't stop learning about it. 

Years later, post Crohn's diagnosis, when the internet was accessible, I found myself googling, researching and instantly internally logging cases, conditions, symptoms and treatments of diseases that appeared on my favourite TV shows like Grey's Anatomy and House MD. It wasn't that I remembered, it was that I couldn't forget. All my medical knowledge I had stored came pouring out when a friend or acquaintance mentioned a symptom or complaint. "I have a pinched nerve and don't know what to do" a friend would say. "Have you tried chiropractory, massage, acupuncture, or GABApentin?" i would inquire before I could stop myself. Before I was over halfway done my undergrad people would assume I was in medschool. Not to mention the teachings I gave to med students when I was a patient in my young teens they would drop their jaws and exclaim that I should be in their class or surpass them in the professional medical field. 

I don't know if this gave me false confidence, or if I just have the right type of brain. 

But it took me almost a year in hospital, being subjected to torturous test and procedures, surgeries and medications and most of all pain. Emotional and physical to realize that I can't give up this dream. I at least have to try.

All of you should try. Don't give up your dreams because of your illness, or the false belief that you don't have the right qualifications, training, education, or even brain type to pursue what will make you happy.

Don't risk living your life with the regret of knowing you never even tried. 

Love you all. Stay healthy and happy. 

A Positive Struggle

"I just feel like everything is so overwhelming right now" "That's totally normal"

Amidst all the drama of my surgery, a close family friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer and very unexpectedly passed away. It was very fast, sudden, and no one really saw it coming, at least not this soon. It was my best friend's mother, and my mom's best friend. They met in prenatal classes and me and my bff were born 3 days apart. Needless to say, she was like my second mom.

With all of this happening and the amount of time I've had to be by myself and think, I've really had things put into perspective.

I've had a hard time dealing with the impact of my surgery and that's made it hard to keep positive. 

As a mental exercise, whenever I'm out and about I try to notice things that I'm grateful for, or notice things or people that I'm more fortunate than.  Needless to say this Thanksgiving, I will be very prepared. 

I feel like this has been a great way for me to try and keep humbled about my life. My surgery was life altering, but it wasn't life stopping, in fact, it was life saving. I just need to remember that and focus on the good and not the bad. I'm adding a page to my blog called "Positives" where I'm going to list all the stuff I think of. 

I hope all you spoonies are staying happy and healthy <3