Dance Yourself Clean

"How can you get through a dance class when you're this sick?" "It's exhausting and painful, but it makes me so happy that I don't care"

Ok, I'm not this good, but you get my point.

I've danced on and off my whole life. I've done ballet, hip hop, jazz, belly dancing, folk, tap, musical theatre and burlesque. 

Dancing has been a saviour for me. Not only has it kept me in shape (sort of) it has been like therapy. 

Nothing can cheer me up like a ballet class. It's impossible for me to feel sorry for myself or frustrated with my body and disease, when I'm dancing. Even when I'm trying to nail that double pirouette or hold an arabesque for just a few more seconds, it consumes me in a way that doesn't leave room for me to be thinking about my disease. 

Trying to hold a balancing pose is like meditation. I've can't say how many times people have recommended I try meditation to help my Crohn's. Dance is better meditation than me trying to sit on a cushion and say Om. But when I try to balance in fifth position, or in an arabesque, my mind is blanker than a fresh chalkboard.

 Despite being quite ill, I'll drag my sorry butt into the studio or rehearsal space and forget my woes for a while. 

I have done this consistently for the past 8 years and it's benefitted me more than any other form of exercise or stress relief. 

When I dance I hardly feel pain, I don't feel sad. It's a euphoria that dancers understand. It's my favourite thing to do. And it helps me cope with my illness in a way that is unexplainable. 

I wish that everyone could experience dance the same way I do, it would probably help a lot. 

My Sanctuary and My Prison

"Where did Jack go?" "Bathroom" "Of course"

I've decided to dedicate this post to my relationship with bathrooms. We have a special bond, me and the water closet. It's difficult for me to go nearly anywhere new and not become acquainted with their facilities. 

For me, the bathroom is a sanctuary, somewhere where I go to relieve myself of horrible pain. I almost always feel better walking out than I do walking in. It's a place where it's just me, and my Crohn's. It's like our together time. A time where I can just be mad at it, mad at my body, mad at my life. Where I can pray to God to smite me or at least knock me out until the pain passes. I spend more time in the bathroom than anyone else I know. I go up to 12 times a day and can stay in there for up to 20 minutes at a time. THAT'S A LOT OF TIME TO SPEND IN THE LOO! 

OH BAYBEH

Without fail, if I disappear, I have gone to the bathroom. Hey, at least I'm easy to find!

My favourite bathrooms are in fancy restaurants and hotels. They're just the nicest and cleanest, sometimes having special soaps, lotions and perfumes or real towels to dry your hands with.

I'll take it!

But in a pinch, a dirty, grimy, hasn't-been-cleaned-or-maintained-in-8-years toilet can look like a gold encrusted throne to me. 

The relief I feel when I get into a bathroom is indescribable.

I made it! I think to myself. It's like a victory every time. 

So I've painted a pretty picture of what a bathroom is to me, and all of it is true, it's just not the whole truth. 

The other half of my relationships with bathrooms is that it's my imprisoned battleground. I always have to be near one. It's like a weird form of house arrest where moving between safe checkpoints is a nerve wracking and dangerous experience. Except instead of an ankle alarm sounding, my anxiety kicks up and nothing is enjoyable until I'm back in an acceptable radius of a restroom. 

A bit hyperbolic, but accurate metaphor

And then there is the experience of actually using the bathroom. For me, this means my worst pain. I always feel relieved when I get into a bathroom because it means I made it, but then I have to put my war face on and engage in open fire. (TMI?)

The pain is so bad that I almost throw up frequently, pray for mercy, and have a difficult time keeping from screaming in pain. Not to mention that in most public washrooms the loo paper is cheap, that the wiping is rough and unpleasant. 

When I feel the pain coming on, I also feel the dread No, please no. It's only been 45 minutes. I don't want to go back in there. No. It's going to hurt. No. Please no. 

And if I forget my iPhone? I don't even want to think about that! 

Pain Management

"You ok?" "Yeah, I'm just in a bit of pain"

I deal with a lot of pain. My worst pain comes right before I need to use the bathroom and while I'm in the bathroom. My worst pain is in my left lower quadrant. So essentially on the left side of my belly just under my belly button. Ouch.

I also get lower back pain, upper abdominal pain, lower right quadrant pain. 

Mmmmm comfy.

My pain lasts for hours.

So? How do I manage this?

Good question.

I find that heat is one of the best ways to sooth the burn. Ironically. 

Heating pads and hot showers are daily pain management techniques I use. which is good because well, I love to snuggle and I love to be clean.

When heat isn't enough we call in the pills.

Diss stuff. 

 Tylenol muscle and cramps or whatever it's called. It's my go to. I use it as needed. My GP told me to take as much tylenol as I need. SO... I do.

When that's not enough?

Well, I have a small prescription to a pretty strong pain killer that I take when the pain is completely unbearable. However, when I take it I'm not really supposed to drive, or operate heavy machinery (Do hair tools count?)

I never used a pain killer before I transitioned out of the children's hospital. No idea why, but that's just how it was.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told that I need to take up meditation to deal with my pain. I'm not hugely for this. 

The last thing I can do when I'm dry heaving my empty guts from the pain I'm feeling it try and clear my mind of all thoughts. Am I right?

Regardless, pain management is a daily thing that I do just to keep truckin.

Comment below with your pain management techniques if you have any!